Father/Falter-A Poem for Father's Day
Some thoughts are underneath the surface
Sunday nights I’d feign sleep carpetside, surrounded by siblings,
television three feet away. The Wide World of Disney faded
from the screen, its signature theme song ebbing beneath
the waves of my almost-dreams. I wanted to be held,
carried in the bridge of my father’s arms, close in those
moments of me-only-and-no-one-else, praying the memory
would stay more than skin deep. My pretensions often worked,
the bridge holding, but only just. Over time his reach loosened,
gave way and memories vanished as lost years spanned the
distance between each shore. Slowly he lost sight of us,
his gaze leading him away, ambling towards other arms.
Out of reach and across the years, he turned towards
a home not ours, holding only himself and a broken heart.
He never crossed over again.
There are many discussions on Mother’s Day each year about the bittersweet feelings surrounding the celebration; people grapple with the pain of no longer having a mother in their lives (raises hand) and/or struggle with the loss of children or inability to bear a child that leaves them in the realm of non-motherhood.
For those who no longer have a father in their life, or one who left far too soon without any warm and fuzzy memories to accompany them, Father's Day can also be an occasion that serves to remind them of emptiness and loss.
I was five years old when my father left our home—my brother was four, my sister two. I may have mixed my memories together in the poem above; memoir does that. Recollections weave themselves together with our emotions and the jumble creates something altogether different… was The Wide World of Disney on TV in 1957? Maybe.
Although my mother remarried (and our family grew to include a total of five children), I spent the rest of my life looking for the man who was my dad. By the time I discovered where he was (only a state away) I was in my 40’s; the news reached me that he’d died only a year before. So close.
It has been said that most aches or injuries as adults stem from a mother wound or father wound in our childhood. I would concur. I’d turned towards Jesus and welcomed His presence in my life when I was 19; however there was no magic wand to wave or snap of the fingers to deal with the pain or repair the past, somehow fill in the blanks and make it a happy history.
God doesn’t work like that; he feels the pain with us, offering His presence while we heal. I was 40 years old when I began to face the ache in my heart and the emptiness from being abandoned by my Father. Recent sessions with a Spiritual Director have been a companion to my discoveries of just how much I missed as a child.
God has been faithful to remind me that He will never leave or abandon me, and accompanies me as we name and look at my childhood griefs together. I missed a lot as a little girl without a Dad and it is okay to say so. It doesn’t lessen God’s goodness but acknowledges his great and tender care as we walk through the healing together. And writing about it helps.
Father/Falter first appeared in my book, Hearts on Pilgrimage: Poems & Prayers as part of Section V ‘Coming & Going.’ HOP was released during the Pandemic (who does that?!) and follows seasons in the physical world as well as the seasons of our interior lives. Here’s what one reader said in their Amazon review:
5.0 out of 5 stars “Fresh, poetically sophisticated, and genuinely inspiring.”
Reviewed in the United States on March 9, 2021 From Terry G.
This book is a treasure. Unlike so much devotional poetry which is awash in sentimentality, Jody’s is fresh, poetically sophisticated, and genuinely inspiring. It was a pleasure to pilgrimage with her through the seasons and feast on her beautiful insights along the way. This is a great book to take along on your own spiritual journey.
To whet your poetic appetite I’m offering a free download of the Hearts on Pilgrimage Introduction below.
A NOTE ABOUT SUPPORTING MY WORK
As of the date of this post I’ve decided to remove the paywall from all of my work that is (or was) available solely to paid subscribers here on Substack.1 These posts include: Poetic Pause videos—poem reading, poetry prompts and more.
Why? I’ve been mulling over the idea of ‘Regular’ vs. ‘Paid’ Subscribers here on Substack and actually, everyone pays in some way to read the content here on Poetry & Made Things. How? You pay with your time, your attention and your email address-an access I do not take lightly.
I’ve decided all of the writing and content I post on Poetry & Made Things will be free and here is why: having readers receive something in return for their financial support feels far too transactional for me. I’d rather have readers offer to become paid subscribers simply because they want to show their support and honor my work and effort, recognizing the value of what I share.
There are a slew of helpful resources under the tab Poetry Resources here on the page, where you’ll find things like ‘Poet Scribe’—poems for copying and memorizing, complete with download pages, plus ‘Five Things That Surprised Me About Poetry,’ poetry lists (with more to come!) and answers to burning questions like, “Does a Poem Have to Rhyme?”
All of these resources are in keeping with my core message, that of helping you make friends with poetry, whether it’s tiptoeing in through reading or to diving in head first and writing poetry of your own.
Plus?
When it comes to writing and posting there is the sustainability of my schedule and mental capacity to consider—having to think about crafting two posts per month--one for regular subscribers and another for supporting subscribers—is a stretch for my writing brain. Also, this leaves you with a less crowded Inbox. Win-win.
{{Relaxes her shoulders}} Therefore, I will be moving to bi-monthly posts beginning in August and the content will be equally the same for everyone, as I continue to pray and consider ways to serve you, supporting your interests with poetic inspiration, information and encouragement, whether it’s reading enjoyment or writing practice.2
We’ll have fun! And if you choose to send a vote of monetary confidence in my direction you will have my humble thanks.3
Grace to you,
Jody
What does this mean for current paid subscribers? Great question: If you’ve paid through the year you will be notified before that renews. If you are a monthly supporter and want to continue, bless you! If not and you want to change your status, I will completely understand! Truly.
I should heed my own practice—that entire paragraph was one sentence!
Support levels are $5.00/month or $50/year.
Thank you, Jody!!! xox
I really like "the bridge of my father's arms" and how you've used it here in extended metaphor. I remember that feeling, too. A wonderfully written, relatable, and heartfelt poem, Jody.